things are bit better now,i go counselling every week n its good,holiday was good.me n dh have hd a ouple of rows but theres a bit of passion in them,so maybe we will make it!i still keep thinking what if though.........

i went o bed early last nite.dh never came near me he stayed up til 2.50 but think h just fell sleep on sofa.dd got sick whenshe woke up this morn,godforgive me but im hopingthis will be my excuse not to go to that party today,but poor litttle things keep on bout it.dont know wha to do.im so fed up of this excuse for a life.im just NOT happy !

no better

im still not feelin better.dh went off withdd to his parents, i just lay in bed.then said feck it!its beautiful day,so i got up n brought dog to the forest.when got home dh n dd came back,we are not talking now.i dont care really,so,sick of thi life!im not the owrlds best mother u know? i have no patience,well,not as much as id like.shes just got mind of hr own like her dad n no matter wht i sayto her she just does her own thing like him.im so tired.i have to bring her t b day party tomorro but i dont ant to go cos my friends a pain in the ass.her ds has started at my dd school and now she thinks she owns it and thinks hes the best student and that the teacher is her best fucking friend!! dont want to go cos cant listen to that shit anymore.i cant wait for counsellin monday.i sound like a selfish bitch i know but ive had 8 long years of my dh dragging me down.hes dragged all the life out of me.ive no happiness left inside me.is there anyone who can relate to me?anyone married to someone with bipolar and unfertile man?sound like a bitch dont i?im not though!ive spent 8 yrs trying to sort him n forgot bout myself!

nightmare day

nightmare day
well,thatwas easily the most stressful shopping trip!goin on hols next thurs n had to go shoppingget few bits.dd was nightmare,kept running off runnin into shops,wanting everything.lying on floor screaming.dh is good with her i dont know where he gets his patience.i have non!she was the only child in shop centre carrying on like that!which leads me to......im crap mother.where did i go wrong??well,i know where i went wrong,i just could never listen to her crying n whinging so gave her everything she wanted to shut her up..........ive created a monster!so upsetting looking at all the pregnant women there too.n all the prams n new borns.i feel ive wasted my life marrying j.hes got bi polar,self harmer n heart of gold.no sperm tho.we got letter from his psychiatrist yesterday for adoption board,doesnt look good.who would give us a child?so!we will just have to do ivf again and again and again until we get child.so fucking pissed off!ive no fucking life with him.i wonder what my life would be like if i had married some1 else?some1 fertile and not crazy?its too late to leave him!who would have me?no1,ill just have to stay n live life of misery!this holiday prob going be bloody nitemare again,altho nothin can be as bad as last yrs 1!he is a loser and so am i for staying with him!

sunny day

not long up!had bro in law n his fiance over for bottle of win last nite.my bro in law has turned into right misery guts.he wasnt drinking co he says he has ibs!but then again he is a hypochondriac!poor girl was delighted getting out for the night.still i feel honourd that he came over,he didt do anything,he basically sat there n wouldnt even take a cup of tea.dh was in good form he drank bottle of wine.up now with dd,we are on sofa.ivebeen looking at an old school firends photos on fb,he was groomsman at a wedding in oz yesterday.god my life is soooooo slipping away on me.i am not fullfilling my dreams.i want to live in oz,i want to experience mylife in different way.imagine the sunshine , happy.
dont know what we ar going to do today,we are pretty broke so cant really g anywhere or do anything!i cant wait to go on holiday in few weeks.when i think bout the money i worry but we will do it!i know i wont want to come back from there!i never do!